Finding Your Tribe

Finding Your Tribe

-Our people.  The ones we hang with.  The ones who show up.  The ones who call for no reason.  The ones that we count on and they count on us.-

The lack of our people, the loss of the ones we had and no connection to any here…that is what we many of us mourn the most after relocation.  We get through all the activity.  We walk through the disappointments, sometimes struggling to raise our heads because of it and we find ourselves alone.

Once we look around, in the new place, we finally realize after all this effort to get ourselves here, we are alone and lonely.

To some that may seem obvious, like we should have seen it coming.  It is logical.  However, with all of the action, with everything that “MUST BE DONE NOW!” that isn’t a concern. Powering through with company would have slowed us down.

But now…on the other side, the reality sinks in every so violently.

You mean I went through all this trouble to feel like…THIS?!?!?

YUP.  Smack dab in the middle of isolation and without some action this will land in helplessness or perhaps apathy.

This is what happened to Uri’s wife.  His story is in the Jerusalem Post, “Relocation and it’s Failures”.  It talks about how he was in a deadend accountant job in Israel with no real prospects.  He found his dream job though LinkedIN and after many interviews and assessments, he was offered his dream job as CEO of an African Telecom in Johannesburg, South Africa.

The excitedly accepted the job and the relocation.  A month after his first trip down they moved to Johannesburg.  The job was great but within a week his wife, not able to work in South Africa, she was lonely and did not want to leave the house because of it.  And 3 months later, with his late nights and no life, she told him she was moving back to Israel. 

They had a beautiful house they could never afford back in Israel with a housekeeper.  They had all of their things with them, and yet she couldn’t make it work.  The isolation drove her from this relocation back to where she came from.

He resigned and followed 4 months after they arrived.

Planning for Alone

When we land in a new place, we do meet people and establish some connections.  However, those connections are fleeting, in the case of a real estate agent, or surface like with new co-workers, neighbors or other parents.

We feel our aloneness in our bones.  As humans we are not designed to be alone.  This is one of the reasons that we can feel so very threatened or “in danger” ever where none exists.  It may appear like an undefined anxiety or disillusionment.  Something we can’t quite put our finger on and yet it seems to poke at us relentlessly.

When we do not have our community our tribe,
that feeling of “something missing” comes at us regularly.

Expecting this is coming is a building block to overcoming it.  I teach many of my clients to think “Oh there you are, I was expecting you.”  Many feelings can seem like knee jerk reactions, just coming at you. But once in front of you, it is time to greet it.  That greeting or acknowledgement takes a bit of the sting out of it.

Once the stinger has been plucked, it is time to get into action.  Yes we are alone, but what are we going to do now?

What to do

On the ReloWomen podcast this week, Nicole Remini talks about her relocation from Minnesota to Arizona, the last in many that crisscrossed her around the country ~ all corners.

In this relocation, she moved to Arizona to be close to two of her 5 adult children.  Forty-five minutes away from each of them, that move did not mean she would be seeing them very often.  They would not be part of her tribe.  Nicole needed to find her people.

As an entrepreneur and someone who has lived many different lives, she was looking for people like her that wanted to change the world.  But how do you do that, especially new to town? 

Her answer was to find a community of like-minded women.  She believed that no matter where she landed, they were there. So, she went about to find then.

Calling My People

Nicole Remini, set about finding these like-minded entrepreneurial women in her corner of the phoenix area.  How?  She talked to people.  Her neighbors as first and then in the greater part of her little community.  She set up a Facebook page and created monthly meetings that went virtual in the past year.

Over the last two years she has created a vibrant network of entrepreneurial women who are dedicated to each other and making this world a better place.  She built her tribe.

Joining IN

If creating your own tribe isn’t your thing, I assure you there are plenty of people looking for people like you. 

One of the most active groups I belong to is a local Facebook moms group.  If I need a plumber or want to know “what kind of snake” that is, 50 or 100 responses will flood in.  The other question that gets lots of attention is:

“I’ve not been here long, and I am looking to connect with other mom with kindergarteners”

Every post like this gets hundreds of responses, even some without kids, reaching out to offer encouragement and friendship. 

We all know what it is like to feel alone and isolated.  When we ask, we find others…sometimes right away.

Doing what you LOVE

The best way, in my opinion, to meet people is to do what you LOVE. 

·         Love books, volunteer at the library.

·         Run or bike, join a bike or running group

·         Passionate about animals, volunteer at the shelter

·         Love Children, read and mentor at a local school

·         Love Photography, take a local class

·         Play the trumpet, join the local band

The reason these are best is because, whether or not you meet someone with friendship potential, you have done something you love.  You have done something that makes you feel good about you and for you.

Meeting someone is always a bonus.

When are doing something we love, we typically show up without an air of desperation, that is so off putting.  Believe me I have brought that air of desperation with me many times.  No one wants to be my friend.

Find these opportunities at library, schools, local charities, Facebook, Instagram,, Local Chambers.  Search what you love to do.

AND…if you don’t want to figure it out, many times the library will have a researcher on staff who will look all of this up for you as a local resident.  You are not in this alone.

Your tribe is here.  They will not come knocking on your door, but if you knock on a few and participate in what you love to do, you will begin to find your people, your tribe in your new community.

Have a wonderful week!


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