When we relocate, we gather up what we our lives and we transport them to the new place. Medical record, school records, the special shippers for the piano and perhaps even grandma’s china we said we’d ever move again…and we get all of it there. We have a house, The kids are enrolled in school and we may even know where the peanut butter is in the grocery store.
And then a funny feeling comes, one of loss or like something is missing. But we look around and everything is here…or is it?
The challenge is that when most of us relocate we only relocate what we can carry or transport. That is not our whole lives. It is only part of our lives and why a few weeks or months in most of us have a mysterious feeling of loss or missing. We can’t quite put our finger on.
It is like we have stumbled upon a hole and
we can’t figure out how to fill it.
Everything we toss in almost evaporates, like it doesn’t matter.
This hole, this emptiness that is screaming to be filled though doesn’t require things. It was created when we removed ourselves from our old lives. There are certain things we do not have the opportunity to move when we relocate.
At the time it all seems so mundane, so routine but in actuality it was our lives that we are missing and that requires all of us to fill it up. It requires our whole life, complete and functioning to fill it up to the brim.
Being new we don’t have that anymore. There are parts of our lives we left behind and that is a function of relocation. Next week we will talk about the opportunity that this creates.
In order to understand first what is missing, it is best to categorize our lives in to the basic things all the way to the advanced or evolved parts of our lives.
Pyramid of Needs(Life)
One of the easiest tools that explains this is one most of us have seen in HS or college. It is Maslow hierarchy of needs. In this Maslow breaks apart the aspects of life into 5 areas. The most interesting thing about the 5 is that none of them can be skipped. Each one must be in place and solid before the next can be realized.
For example: you can’t realize achieve your full potential while still wondering where the next meal will come from or if it is safe here.
Abraham Maslow’s pyramid of human motivation shows us exactly where we are in our relocation.
What do we do first when decided to relocate? That right, check Zillow or Realtor.com for home listings. We start right at the bottom. Our physiological needs – Food, Warmth, Water, Rest. As we evaluate and choose a community, schools and such we make sure the second of our basic needs are met – Safety and security.
And during the first 2 to 3 months of relocation this where we sit. Any need above this is not on our radar because we spend our time solidifying our basic needs. This is what we need to do. There is a job (financial security) a place to sleep and be warm (physical security) and a place to rest and rejuvenate. Almost instinctually we start here.
And then the hole appears.
It takes so much energy and active attention solidify the first two needs. There are little to no resources left to see or even prepare for the others. We must complete each need level to move on to the next.
Start Filling the Hole
Belonging. As we arrive and start getting life set up we do experience basic belonging; the core family, enrolling in school or even our new co-workers. But that is not the whole belonging package – Belonging is about intimate relationships where we know and are known.
We crave that intimacy of being known outside of our core family. The challenge here is that these relationships take time and initiative, usually on our part. To understand the path to intimacy, go back and listen to the previous podcasts on friendships and relationships. There is a definite path.
Esteem. Once we belong, we need people to hold us in esteem, to respect us and depend on us for something. This may come from volunteering at a shelter or giving a strong presentation at work or in the community. Something as simple as arranging a moms’ coffee every Wednesday after drop off can create this. We are counted on and are held in high esteem.
Self-Actualization. A fancy scientific word that means we are meeting our full potential. We are using our talents and our creative abilities to impact and potentially improve us, and the world around us. At this point we are being all that we can be, as we are.
Not only are becoming all that we can be, we can see what could be in the future. We know ourselves and are confident in our abilities. We are confident being who we are, just as we are.
Remembering to Bring Everything
Though when we move, we cannot bring all of this with us and plug it in. What we can do is remember what worked for us. We can remember what lifted us up and the types of relationships and activities that best suited us.
Being all of who we are, just as we are can be a bit challenging as we work to integrate with a new community, with new groups and such. We may think we have to change to be included. But there is nothing further from the truth.
Because when we show us as ourselves, just as we are we show up in a way that others can actually connect with us. We show up in a way that we see the world for what it is and most importantly, we bring into our lives those things and people who help us live in authenticity.
We then live who we are.
In One on One coaching, we work to see the community as it is and who we are without judgement.
That is important because if we lie to ourselves, we cannot take a strong step toward something different, a life we actually want to lead. If you would like to short cut the false starts and bumping around in the dark, it is time to schedule that chat with me.
To schedule your Pre-Coach Chat, which is free, click the blue Let’s Chat button at the top of every ReloWomen.com webpage. Choose a day and time that works for you and let’s look at getting your relocation settled.
You do not have to walk through this with uncertainty and disconnection. I can help.