What do I do?!? What do I do?@!??
That’s the feared question. In those times when the truly unexpected has appeared, I am gob smacked! How do I stop reaction and know what to do before IT happens.
…and then I remember what my father does.
My father, the retired Senior VP of Sales, is a master negotiator and sales manager. In most times he is unshakeable and moving forward with a momentum hard to stop. For those of us not quite as motivated by a “goal” this is exhausting. We all wonder if he ever really takes a break. A break from thinking forward.
His “what ifs” are generally positive and in working to his end goal. He is improving “something”. From the way his charity club works to keeping his pool in top condition he is driven by what he believes is possible.
The most valuable thing my father taught me is how to look forward and believing it could be better. For many years this was just a single belief that I applied to life. Break up with a college boyfriend…I will find another. My car gets randomly hit in a parking lot and moved 3 spaces…It can be fixed or replaced. I am rejected by someone I love…even though I don’t know how, I believe I will be OK.
Not in a Pollyannish way, with hope as the only tool. But with a belief and determination to make “it”better, I get out of bed and push forward.
Mission and Vision ~ not all that boring
See my father taught me about Mission and Vision Statements. Though he had primarily used them to focus and motivate his sales staff, he took time to truly understand the mechanics of these two statements. He first moved it into his personal life with my mother.
The two of them sat down on many occasions to craft the Mission and Vision for their lives, their marriage and their kids. When I got married he ran John and I through the process. Though we didn’t use it the way dad intended, when I came across it a few years later, all of our goals had been met. The act of putting what we wanted to words meant something to us, even in a drawer.
That focus carried us through a few difficult times. It was knowing we were literally on the same page that we stayed on the same page.
My mother, the wise one who always seemed to be right during my teenage years, taught me a sister lesson to Dad’s mission and vision lesson. Because she wanted me to make decision that fed who I was and kept me from only reacting, Momma taught me to know the why behind the mission and vision statements.
Mission and vision of anyone’s life is built on the back of knowing oneself and the personal core values. Momma knew that if I would internalize and really know my core values, I would make a decisions and live with less regret.
Logic fights Emotion ~ in the moment
A lot of times we learn the logical thing to do. It all makes sense intellectually. However, In the midst of that crisis, reacting prevails in the face of crisis and our ability to be logical is gone. Emotions take over.
That knee jerk reaction from childhood lashing out, both attacking and reaching for comfort. Searching for a temporary pain reprieve, no matter how destructive our intellect knows it to be.
Knowing my why keeps me from allowing emotion to get too carried away.
I feel the conflict during the consideration phase. When an idea is contrary to my core values and mission, that very act of considering “it” feels like course sandpaper across my skin. Instead of a faint whisper of hesitation, Multiple parts of me that SCREAM OUT, “don’t do that.”
Relocation and Desperation
Relocation has led to some of my loneliness times. So desperate for a friend and emotionally ready to take anyone. But in the midst of getting to know someone, the red flags went up. Different values. Conflicting kid rules. No real belief in Kindness or got pleasure from other’s pain.
And though I was desperate and thought I could make this work, the conflict in my brain, that sandpaper across my skin told me ~ in no uncertain terms ~ “Oh heck no. But please be nice as you end this.”
Apply to every relocation decision
When relocating, as the trailing spouse we are required to make a plethora of decisions every day from the day we agree through getting connected in the new community. In the past, under non-relocation circumstances, we all tried things out. Does this person or activity fit? We will see if the program works for little Johnny.
Not too focused and with plenty of time we can just figure it out as well go, casually.
Ability to take our time LOST
This is because little Johnny is having a melt down about leaving Curtis in the last city. Suzi is falling behind on her AP classes and they don’t offer the same program here. The dog has an infection and there is no vet. Add to that, the seller screwed up the close so you are two day behind in moving in and can’t travel more than 2 miles, just in case.
An established mission and vision statements based on the known family core values gives focus and clarity
Many potential crises are averted because you know what is most important to the family.
- The familiar activities are already planned
- Fun days out reduce stress
- That consultant/coach has already been identified and the pre-work has been laid
- And you built in 3 or 4 days between close and move in so a few more days in the hotel works.
Relocation scope must expand
The crises that cause the most problems are nothing that your relocation department or real estate agent ever thinks of or helps you with. These people consider these items “personal” for you to work out
But in reality, these problem items are all about the community your are moving into.
By defining your core values and creating a mission and vision for this relocation, you become efficient at making decisions, helping people truly understand what you need with the why behind it, as well as jump starting life for everyone in your new location.
The Path by Laurie Beth Jones
The 4 Elements of Success by Laurie Beth Jones
Start with Why by Simon Sinek
Annette Walters is a new empty nest ReloMom with 13 moves under her belt who is just about ready for her next adventure.